hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
