No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
