And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
