i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
