We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
