i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
