My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
