I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
