If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
