get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
