Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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