i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
