FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
