The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
