marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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