3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
