coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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