The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
