Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
