I met the friendliest cop last night
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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