so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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