i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
