I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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