Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
