Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
