nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
