im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
