I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
