I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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