Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
