he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
