Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
