I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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