I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
im six kinds of drunk right now
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
