2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
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