what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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