My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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