yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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