I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Randomize
