I'm so fucking centered right now
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
