Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
don't judge my taste in strippers
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
