Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
