apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
