Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
how does that bad decision feel?
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