The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
