He disabled his match.com account in front of me
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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