dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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