I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
