also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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