i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Enjoy the penises
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
