I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
