I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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