First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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