i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
