What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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